My car would not start when I tried to leave work today, and I had to get a jump.
Thankfully when I went to see my mom in Kingsport, we decided I needed jumper cables. I WAS PREPARED.
Also, for some reason apparently one of my coworkers thought I was married? Maybe because I wear a ring on the traditional wedding finger, I guess? Either way, he told me MAYBE MY HUSBAND SHOULD TAKE THE CAR IN TO GET CHECKED OUT.
Working alone has been awesome tonight, minus one really creepy drunk guy who tried to demand that I personally look something up for him (which we’re not allowed to do, and I’d already directed him twice to the customer service desk). I gave him a flat no and walked away, but it left me feeling icky. At least it didn’t come to me fetching a manager. (There’s a societal commentary there, but I’m not going to engage in that right now.)
But we’re shorthanded tonight so I’m keeping busy AND I’m staying later (yay money!).
Taking a break from writing for a sec to talk about Brotherhood 2.0 and tumblr.
Whilst I was at the height of my illness (in the I-can’t-do-anything-except-lay-in-bed stage), I decided it would be a good time to go through all the Vlogbrother videos in order, starting with Brotherhood 2.0.
For the unfamiliar, Brotherhood 2.0 is a project that John and Hank Green did in 2007. They spent the entire year without textual communication. One of the rules for Brotherhood 2.0 is that they had to make videos every weekday (they alternated days).
In one of his videos, Hank talks about how much more excited and open he is when he’s making videos in his basement than he is elsewhere. He starts making his videos outside, trying to gradually adjust himself to being so animated — so much of his real self — in front of other people. It’s easy to be yourself when you’re safely alone in your basement. It’s different when you’re out in the world.
In a lot of ways, that’s how tumblr feels to me. I am mostly uninhibited on tumblr. I yell about things that are bothering me. I take endless pictures of my cat. I talk about food all the time. I get really excited about mundane things. I vent about things that are going wrong. I shamelessly discuss the bad TV I’m watching. Tumblr is the place I go when I want to be unfiltered — when I want to be myself.
I’m not that way in real life — at least, not unless I know you very well. I’d like to change that, but I’m not sure how to take these traits outside tumblr. For Hank, that desire meant physically making his videos outside. It’s not quite the same for this situation. Textual communication is not the same as vocal communication — at least not for me. I’ve always been much better at the former than the latter.
ANYWAY. Sorry for the rambling. Back to writing for me!
I had a REALLY GOOD idea for my story right before I fell into Illness Hibernation last night.
And I didn’t write it down and now I don’t remember it.
In any case, I have just emerged from hibernation, so I am going to eat breakfast while reading a little bit and then I’m going to sit at my desk and write. I was going to try to go to the laundromat today and get some other chores done, but I’m sick and it’s raining. So instead I am going to write and recuperate.
Awww… Hugs. We’ll go sometime this week for girly drinks and christmas ornaments. We can brave the asheville mall during the holidays to pick out some presents and reward ourselves with terrible food and some kind of girly drink, yes?
And while I haven’t really had a moment alone for the past five days and could really use some time to myself, it was great to have family here. When my sister left, my parents had just arrived, so that softened the absence a little. But now everyone is gone, and I’m not handling them leaving very well.
I forget when I’m away from them for so long what it feels like to have family support, to have people there looking out for me and making sure I have what I need. I’m not good at asking for help. I never have been. But when my family is close to me, they can see when I need something and they do what they can for me without waiting for me to ask. I like being on my own, and I love where I am, but I do miss my family.
Just thirteen days ago I was eight months pregnant.
Everyone loved rubbing my belly.
I even wore my “Baby On Board” shirt over my gigantic stomach.
I was in a small group, assembled away from the massive crowd.
All we did was stand arm in arm, chanting, cheering, and laughing.
A large group of officers approached. They were headed for the larger crowds.
We expected to be passed by since it was just a couple of us.
I was all too wrong.
Four officers broke off from the pack and came our way.
There were about ten of us, completely unarmed. We became a target regardless.
The cops came up hollering about us being lazy and stupid.
A young lady in our group laughed out loud, and that’s when all hell broke loose.
Two officers swung their batons at one end of our line, hitting the young lady and and a young man. The other two officers started pushing us into a tight circle. I was shoved backward by my face, and I instinctively broke my hold in the line to put a hand on my stomach.
We were all forced into a tight bunch with the officers pushing and swinging their batons. I was hit with pepper spray on the back of my head, while others were hit point blank in the face. I tried to squeeze my way out, I was getting pushed around too much.
I made it outside of the bunch, but another officer was circling - and with my hands cradling my stomach - he slammed his baton into me. Pain shot through my hands, and I doubled over screaming. Then he landed the second more painful blow on my unprotected stomach.
Everything sort of went hazy, and I could hear the blood rushing in my head.
When I was able to focus I realized I was on the ground. I had wet myself, and an officer was upset that I had gotten his shoe wet. His baton hit my shoulder and then my wrist as I tried to protect myself.
The large crowd had gotten unruly, and it became a godsend. The three remaining officers left us alone. Everyone looked terrible with beet-red, swollen faces. Everything was loud and garbled. It all seemed so far away.
I was driven to the hospital, getting bloody urine all over a stranger’s seats with people cradling me telling me everything was going to be OK.
I left the hospital with two broken fingers, a sprained wrist, bruised ribs, a destroyed camera, fresh clothes, four new friends, and nothing more.
There was no baby girl in my stomach.
Evelynn, the one good thing in my life, was taken from me before I could ever hold her.
I can’t even look at myself in a mirror without crying.
Just thirteen days ago I was eight months pregnant.
Six days ago my friends were supposed to throw a baby shower for me.
Two days ago my ex-husband came by to call me a stupid bitch for getting an abortion.
Apparently everyone thinks I had an abortion and they all look at me differently, and they’re showering my ex with sympathy. I won’t even bother speaking to them.
Now I have nothing to lose, so when I’m given the green light, I’ll be back on my feet and ready to go stand on the front lines.
But ladies, if you’re pregnant, please stay at home.
The police don’t care about you. They will show no mercy to you or your unborn child. They’re only around to uphold the status of the 1%. They cannot be trusted.
That is fucking horrible. Omg. I’m so sorry. So sorry. That’s so awful. I have zero faith in humanity. These cops should be ashamed of themselves. Stay strong bb.